Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
