just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize