So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
