I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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