I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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