Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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