what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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