She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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