I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
