Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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