I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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