So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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