pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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