I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
