I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
