On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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