It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
