I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize