if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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