I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
