this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
