literally had 100 drinks last night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
