This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
