So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
