I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
