I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
