You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
