at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
