I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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