He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
