i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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