i dedicated my morning wood to you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
