I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
