No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
