There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
