Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
