Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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