Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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