I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
