I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize