I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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