i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
