All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
