He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
