Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
