I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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