I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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