we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize