who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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