Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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