I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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