my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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