i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
