the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
