I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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