i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
