Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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