My entire life is one complicated drinking game
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
