My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
