my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
