i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
