I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
