I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
