Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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