OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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