I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
