my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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