May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
